Meaning.

Lately, I have been struggling with the meaning of living.  Cliche, I know, but when you find yourself in that state of mind, it is hard to find anything worth doing.  And I am not talking about the suicidal or depressed "What does it all mean?" mentality, but I guess more of a philosophical tune.

Anyway: do you want to know what I found out?

Life, in itself, isn't anything special.  Nearly everything on this planet--hell, one could argue that even the universe could be included--lives and dies.  What counts is the meaning we give life.  For me, I want to be a good person, which battle with my need for perfection, but I also want to be good to other people.  I want to help others in any way that I possibly can.  I know what depression feels like, I know what hunger feels like, I know what pain and fear and weakness are to people.  I don't want others to have to suffer alone through that shit.

I also realized that in living, there are people, there is music, there is food, and there is love.  All of those mean so much more than merely being.  With ever breath I take, I am here, I am changing something.  Although I may feel insignificant, small, and unimportant, if I weren't here then the future would change.  I can affect those around me, and I want to in a good way.

With living, there is sunshine, cool breezes, warm embraces, lazy Sunday afternoons, dancing... I never want to miss out in any of it.  I do not want to exist in the environment and in life, but rather to experience it, cultivate it, make it my own so I always appreciate what it means to feel.

All of this suddenly welled up within me and I felt that I had to write it all down.  It may seem all will-nilly, but I think it is quite beautiful that I came to this realization.  I think it coincides with me going to the gym nearly every day this week, but we'll see :)

I hope everyone is swell.

-X.