I think the title says it all for this past few weeks. You see, I am on birth control--not because I have sex, but because if I'm not, I will not get my period for eight months at a time--and I ran out about two weeks ago. I asked my mom when I only had a week left to send me more so that I wouldn't have to go cold turkey for long. But, like always, I didn't get it until this past Sunday. I hadn't been on the pill for a week. And honestly, it was quite amazing. I wasn't hungry--ever. And when I was, I could stick to raw vegetables and pretzels like nothing I had ever seen before. I wasn't eating meat, sugar, or fat, and I could feel my abdomen shrinking a little by Saturday. It was blissful, amazing, and, more importantly, satisfying. It felt as if I had finally done something right, something that would make me happy again, and the best part? I wasn't over emotional at all. Sometimes throughout the day, I'll have random mood swings, but when I wasn't taking the birth control, my mood was pretty stable all the time. Yes, maybe it was me doing it subconsciously, and yes, maybe it was because I was feeling so damn good about myself that I had no need to be bitchy, but I seriously think my hormones were quieting down for once.
Then enter the pill once more. Let's see: I got the pills Saturday morning in the mail, and I started taking them Sunday morning. By that evening, during the superbowl, I was craving everything. My friends ordered pizza, so I scarfed down a large slice and two bread sticks. We went to a tea shop nearby and I had to get a not-so-healthy smoothie. Then, once Glee was on and everyone was chilling and winding down, I bought a pint of ice cream from the convenient store close by so I could eat half of it and feel amazing about myself afterward. That night, I think, was when I started blogging. I was waiting for my stomach to love me again (to be hungry again) because I sure as hell was not going to bed until I had digested all of that crap.
Monday and Tuesday were similar, the former being worse than the latter. I was still craving everything that was bad: sugar and fat. Tuesday, though, I only had two meals until my insomnia kicked in and then I just spiraled downward into a jar of jam with crackers, frosted mini wheats, and hershey's chocolate.
Needless to say, I am feeling quite bloated. I haven't noticed my clothes fitting any tighter, but I am bracing myself for it. If I don't get a handle on this, on my emotions and hormones, I am going to get to a place I never wanted to reach again.
And what sucks the most? I feel like crying every other minute. I hate birth control. I hate my body for not doing what it is supposed to do in the first place. I am seriously considering talking to my doctor to just get off the pill altogether. I mean, it's not like I have sex everyday. It should be a simple request, right?
I am exhausted. I don't want to eat at all today. But I know if I go too long without eating, I'll just get ravenous and then eat really bad stuff for me.
Oh, yeah. I am visiting the counseling center Friday. I think I might need it.
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