So... I've never posted something of this nature before and been completely honest. Here it goes:
All I've eaten today is an apple, banana, and a 90 calorie chewy bar, which all surmounts to 380 calories. It is 6:57 PM and although my stomach is alarmed by its emptiness, I do not want to eat anything else. Later tonight is a Mardi Gras festival for one of the clubs I am currently in, so there will be food. I am debating whether any of it will be eaten by me. And, do you want to know something? I am excited. This hunger, this constant wrenching and twisting of my stomach for some--any--food makes me feel... like I am worth something. I can't fully explain it because on one hand I know that I am hungry, that I want and should have food to make the hunger go away--but at the same time while I sit here and really explore the pain, the sinking in the pit of my stomach, the hunger is nearly foreign and weird and doesn't attach itself to what it means to eat. All I can think to describe it is exciting. One thing I can say: it is amazing to feel so in control of myself. Usually, I feel like I lose any self control or composure when I am around food, especially when I am about to eat it.
Is it bad that I like this? That I'm blogging about it now?
I don't know. A part of me doesn't care. I don't know what the other part of me feels just yet.
Anyway--mardi gras here I come! I hope I won't do anything to regrettable.
-X.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A while.
I know that it has been way too long, but stuff needs to be said, even if only a few sentences.
It has been a rough month. I wouldn't call it depression, but I've been in such a rut that I thought that I may be depressed. I had, and to some extent still have, no motivation for anything. My self-esteem is rock-bottom, I want to sleep all the time, and, worst of all, I turn to food for comfort. I feel disgusting--both emotionally and physically. I feel like the only thing that I still have passion for is my weight. It is the only thing that makes me get dressed every morning, go to class, and meet up with friends. It sounds a little weird, I know, but that's all that really matters at this point.
I haven't eaten all day.
But mostly because I chose not to.
It has been a rough month. I wouldn't call it depression, but I've been in such a rut that I thought that I may be depressed. I had, and to some extent still have, no motivation for anything. My self-esteem is rock-bottom, I want to sleep all the time, and, worst of all, I turn to food for comfort. I feel disgusting--both emotionally and physically. I feel like the only thing that I still have passion for is my weight. It is the only thing that makes me get dressed every morning, go to class, and meet up with friends. It sounds a little weird, I know, but that's all that really matters at this point.
I haven't eaten all day.
But mostly because I chose not to.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Meaning.
Lately, I have been struggling with the meaning of living. Cliche, I know, but when you find yourself in that state of mind, it is hard to find anything worth doing. And I am not talking about the suicidal or depressed "What does it all mean?" mentality, but I guess more of a philosophical tune.
Anyway: do you want to know what I found out?
Life, in itself, isn't anything special. Nearly everything on this planet--hell, one could argue that even the universe could be included--lives and dies. What counts is the meaning we give life. For me, I want to be a good person, which battle with my need for perfection, but I also want to be good to other people. I want to help others in any way that I possibly can. I know what depression feels like, I know what hunger feels like, I know what pain and fear and weakness are to people. I don't want others to have to suffer alone through that shit.
I also realized that in living, there are people, there is music, there is food, and there is love. All of those mean so much more than merely being. With ever breath I take, I am here, I am changing something. Although I may feel insignificant, small, and unimportant, if I weren't here then the future would change. I can affect those around me, and I want to in a good way.
With living, there is sunshine, cool breezes, warm embraces, lazy Sunday afternoons, dancing... I never want to miss out in any of it. I do not want to exist in the environment and in life, but rather to experience it, cultivate it, make it my own so I always appreciate what it means to feel.
All of this suddenly welled up within me and I felt that I had to write it all down. It may seem all will-nilly, but I think it is quite beautiful that I came to this realization. I think it coincides with me going to the gym nearly every day this week, but we'll see :)
I hope everyone is swell.
-X.
Anyway: do you want to know what I found out?
Life, in itself, isn't anything special. Nearly everything on this planet--hell, one could argue that even the universe could be included--lives and dies. What counts is the meaning we give life. For me, I want to be a good person, which battle with my need for perfection, but I also want to be good to other people. I want to help others in any way that I possibly can. I know what depression feels like, I know what hunger feels like, I know what pain and fear and weakness are to people. I don't want others to have to suffer alone through that shit.
I also realized that in living, there are people, there is music, there is food, and there is love. All of those mean so much more than merely being. With ever breath I take, I am here, I am changing something. Although I may feel insignificant, small, and unimportant, if I weren't here then the future would change. I can affect those around me, and I want to in a good way.
With living, there is sunshine, cool breezes, warm embraces, lazy Sunday afternoons, dancing... I never want to miss out in any of it. I do not want to exist in the environment and in life, but rather to experience it, cultivate it, make it my own so I always appreciate what it means to feel.
All of this suddenly welled up within me and I felt that I had to write it all down. It may seem all will-nilly, but I think it is quite beautiful that I came to this realization. I think it coincides with me going to the gym nearly every day this week, but we'll see :)
I hope everyone is swell.
-X.
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