A while.

I know that it has been way too long, but stuff needs to be said, even if only a few sentences.

It has been a rough month.  I wouldn't call it depression, but I've been in such a rut that I thought that I may be depressed.  I had, and to some extent still have, no motivation for anything.  My self-esteem is rock-bottom, I want to sleep all the time, and, worst of all, I turn to food for comfort.  I feel disgusting--both emotionally and physically.  I feel like the only thing that I still have passion for is my weight.  It is the only thing that makes me get dressed every morning, go to class, and meet up with friends.  It sounds a little weird, I know, but that's all that really matters at this point.

I haven't eaten all day.
But mostly because I chose not to.

Hormones Suck.

I think the title says it all for this past few weeks.  You see, I am on birth control--not because I have sex, but because if I'm not, I will not get my period for eight months at a time--and I ran out about two weeks ago.  I asked my mom when I only had a week left to send me more so that I wouldn't have to go cold turkey for long.  But, like always, I didn't get it until this past Sunday.  I hadn't been on the pill for a week.  And honestly, it was quite amazing.  I wasn't hungry--ever.  And when I was, I could stick to raw vegetables and pretzels like nothing I had ever seen before.  I wasn't eating meat, sugar, or fat, and I could feel my abdomen shrinking a little by Saturday.  It was blissful, amazing, and, more importantly, satisfying.  It felt as if I had finally done something right, something that would make me happy again, and the best part?  I wasn't over emotional at all.  Sometimes throughout the day, I'll have random mood swings, but when I wasn't taking the birth control, my mood was pretty stable all the time.  Yes, maybe it was me doing it subconsciously, and yes, maybe it was because I was feeling so damn good about myself that I had no need to be bitchy, but I seriously think my hormones were quieting down for once.

Then enter the pill once more.  Let's see: I got the pills Saturday morning in the mail, and I started taking them Sunday morning.  By that evening, during the superbowl, I was craving everything.  My friends ordered pizza, so I scarfed down a large slice and two bread sticks.  We went to a tea shop nearby and I had to get a not-so-healthy smoothie.  Then, once Glee was on and everyone was chilling and winding down, I bought a pint of ice cream from the convenient store close by so I could eat half of it and feel amazing about myself afterward.  That night, I think, was when I started blogging.  I was waiting for my stomach to love me again (to be hungry again) because I sure as hell was not going to bed until I had digested all of that crap.

Monday and Tuesday were similar, the former being worse than the latter.  I was still craving everything that was bad: sugar and fat.  Tuesday, though, I only had two meals until my insomnia kicked in and then I just spiraled downward into a jar of jam with crackers, frosted mini wheats, and hershey's chocolate.

Needless to say, I am feeling quite bloated.  I haven't noticed my clothes fitting any tighter, but I am bracing myself for it.  If I don't get a handle on this, on my emotions and hormones, I am going to get to a place I never wanted to reach again.

And what sucks the most?  I feel like crying every other minute.  I hate birth control.  I hate my body for not doing what it is supposed to do in the first place.  I am seriously considering talking to my doctor to just get off the pill altogether.  I mean, it's not like I have sex everyday.  It should be a simple request, right?

I am exhausted.  I don't want to eat at all today.  But I know if I go too long without eating, I'll just get ravenous and then eat really bad stuff for me.

Oh, yeah.  I am visiting the counseling center Friday.  I think I might need it.